One small step / One giant leap

Update on my life:

• I finished my time at college after two years. Might go back later. Not really something I want to even think about right now.
• I moved into a lovely apartment with a good friend. The family we’re renting from is super sweet. I love it here. I also befriended the place’s resident black cat. Win.
• I’m still at my church (didn’t make it to church this morning because of navigation issues. Classic Gracie) and I’m pumped about the youth events that I will assist in leading over the summer. My kids are super cool.
• I’m working three jobs (cashiering at Giant and two waitressing jobs) in order to pay off my student debt and hopefully buy a Jeep. I will then name the Jeep “Kallie”.
• My family misses me and I miss them. Especially the dog.

 

To everyone who prayed for and supported me during my time in college, THANK YOU. Y’all added so much value to my time there and it is so deeply appreciated.

To everyone still walking alongside me into this new season, THANK YOU. Also, buckle up.

I’m just getting started.

This is not a (soccer) game

“Creativity is not a competition.”

My grandmom is an artist; As far as I know, her favorite flowers to watercolor paint are Giant Trimardeau pansies.

My dad is an artist; Photographer, painter, sketching extraordinaire, and calligrapher.

My mom is an artist; Magic has always come through her hands, whether as an ASL interpreter or as a pianist.

My older sister is an artist; She relates stories and experiences through the beautiful – painful – medium of dance.

My younger sister is an artist; One of the kitchen beautician variety. She can hook you up with some sweet Marley twists.

My dog is an artist; Lots of nose paintings on our windows.

For years I have kept a string of blog posts locked away in my head. I have always felt that I had inherited an artistic gene only in the sense that I can appreciate others’ masterpieces. My strings of words, although my family did their best to coax them out of me, stayed hidden behind a chuckle and a quick reassurance of “I’m not one of the family artists!” I always felt that my creative nature was not good enough to share in light of my family’s work. For instance, “Look at this beautiful portrait my dad just hung up in a gallery. Now look! I painted a chicken nugget!” My heart turned art into a competition and it should never have been that way. It’s actually ridiculous to think that just because someone else produces good art that others enjoy consuming does not mean that you couldn’t as well. Someone else’s masterpiece does not invalidate your own.

Nowadays I’m seeing the value in adding my own creative value to the pot (or in my family’s case, cookie sheet). More and more I’m noticing the preciousness of each individual’s words, ink, movement, or ear for certain notes.

Recently I’ve begun telling myself this:

Whether you think anyone is listening or not – share your words.

Whether you think someone has already said something or not – share your words.

Whether you think someone else could say it better than you or not – share your words.

Whether or not anyone likes it, if God put it on my heart then I’m sure it will resonate with whomever He actually meant it for.

 

Christians especially must add their interactions with life to the art community, because for crying out loud, we serve the Author of creativity. Creativity is a hallmark of God’s grace in our lives. Now, just because each individual voice is important and God’s grace and blah blah blah… That does not give us the excuse to throw any ol’ weird crap on paper and say “BUT THIS IS REALLY GOOD ART BECAUSE IT’S ME AND ALSO JESUS TOO”.

God forbid.

I’m looking at you, Christian romance novel industry. Ugh.

Our calling as Christians also calls us to be the best artists we can possibly be. We must fine tune our work, because even if it isn’t explicitly Christian, the fact that it is coming from us means that it will point others either closer to or farther from the Cross.

 

All this being said, my voice will now be added to the mix. After tweaking it and hashing it out over and over and making it perfect and then killing my darling and starting all over, because, well, OCD also runs in my family.

 

P.S. Karen Kingsbury actually knows what she’s doing and does her thing pretty dang well

A year of losing

Some years will be measured by steps moved forwards – some years by steps moved backwards. Some years will be remembered for the joy they brought – and others for the grief that left its mark. Some years will be abundant – others will be dry.

And sometimes that will all happen at the same time.

This past year has easily been the hardest, saddest, happiest, longest, quickest, most confusing season for me. I’ve given up relationships, hopes, dreams, plans, jobs, time, energy, money, and hardest of all… control. Yet, I’ve gained friendships with people I never would have met if circumstances were different. I now belong to an incredible church that I would not have found if I hadn’t given Lancaster another chance. I’m about to move into an apartment with a sweet friend that I might not have ever even seen again. I’m meeting people and connecting with them and forming relationships with people who would have otherwise remained strangers until heaven.

Nevertheless, this season hurts. It hurts like the dickens.

Recently a dear friend wrote me a letter that contained verses from Psalm 145. Verses 14-16 really stood out to me, which read,

 “The Lord helps all who fall;
He raises up all who are oppressed.
All eyes look to You,
and You give them their food at the proper time.
You open Your hand
and satisfy the desire of every living thing.”

  Of course a friend would send me verses that talk about God giving us food, ha. Anyways. The Lord helps all who fall – and He knows I’ve fallen down more times than I’ve stood up. He has raised up people to minister to me and pour into me. I know I can trust Him to give me exactly what I need at exactly the right time. He holds all that I need to be sustained in His hand. He satisfies the desires that He wires into us.

I’ll be honest, recently I’ve been doubting all of that. But as I walk forward, blindly following His leading, I am praying this passage over myself. Praying that I would see His goodness. Praying that I would see His help. Praying that I would see His provision. Praying that I would see His purpose.

Praying that I would see past this loss – and see all that He has richly blessed me with.

 

Empty-handed, but not forsaken

How do you know when it’s real love?

Loving people means going the extra mile – and then another mile, and then another mile, and again and again and again.

Loving people means having that hard conversation.

Loving people means accepting the apology you never got.

Loving people is cheering them on to bigger and brighter things – even if that means it takes them far away from you.

Loving people is not just “I want him to be happy, whatever that means.”

 

I’m really fed up with how selfish I get when I love people. I’m praying that I will be able to love enough to cover a multitude of sins.

I’m praying that I will be able to love enough to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.

I’m praying that I will be able to love enough to stick around even when people show me that they’re just as sinful as I am.

I’m praying that I will be able to love more than just myself and my own comfort.

 

By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.

I wish change was inevitable

Most people fear change.

Leaving behind a comfort zone, moving into the uncertain, embracing the inevitable ebb and flow of time.

However, I cannot count myself among those lucky fearful. I have a different fear. I am haunted by the idea of no change. My heart always looks for the next move, the next step, the next leap. I am ever eager to pen a new chapter. You can always find me rearranging whatever I can, both literally and figuratively. Change excites me to no end.

I am thus haunted by the idea of life progressing by me while I stay stuck in a rut. The terror of staying the same while everyone and everything else changes keeps me awake at night. This is something that has especially burdened me over the last few months. You see, reader, I am about to graduate college. I am about to buy a car, move into an apartment in a city that is yet unfamiliar… I am about to live a life apart from all that I have known. This dramatic shift is what I have always wanted. As I approach, however, I am terrified that I will change my address without my life following that change.

What good is a new home if I cannot make it that – a true home?

What good is a degree if I can think of no ways to put it to use?

What good are my plans when my ultimate desires always hinge upon that which I cannot bring to pass?

Reader, as I finish my college career I am terrified of not changing. My heart yearns for the next step… The next home – and the joy of building a home alongside someone else. I guess you could say that I am terrified of doing all that I can to change and then seeing that my best efforts haven’t brought me any closer to the next chapter. As graduation looms, the tuition bills mount, the loneliness increases, and the unfamiliarity breathes down my neck – my heart is gripped in fear of staying where I’m at.

Through all of this I am learning to trust in God’s timing. As I seek His heart, and strive to be conformed to His ways, I am reminded of a few promises to cling to.

First – Philippians 1:6 HCSB reads “I am confident of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Did you catch that, reader? Our sanctification (this “good work”) is a process that the Holy Spirit kick-started upon the moment of our redemption. That process – that transformation – that growth – that CHANGE will not end until we are face to face with Christ, complete and whole in His perfect eternity. Our best efforts to change ourselves and our circumstances are nothing… but my King has promised to keep working within us. He works within His children to mold them until they are the best reflectors of His glory that they can be. His grace is what brings true change and He has PROMISED to bring that true change to our hearts as we seek Him.

Second – Proverbs 19:21 HCSB reminds us that “Many plans are in a man’s heart, but the Lord’s decree will prevail.” I have my list of exactly how much I need to save for the exact car that I want, the exact kind of dog that I want, the exact apartment I want, the exact everything in my stinkin’ plan… And yet, God’s will trumps mine (thank goodness). He knows what will come because He has ordained it before Creation. I can live in a state of continual worship, knowing He will bring to pass whatever will glorify Him best.

Finally – I look to the words of Habakkuk to see God’s promises to His people. We can take comfort in His promises of the Old Testament because they reveal His character. He revealed to His prophet a promise that I can observe for comfort. Although the promise is for the specific deliverance of God’s chosen people I know that His character, His heart for me now is the same as it was thousands of years ago. I can look back at how He has provided for His people and can know that He desires to provide for me as well. Chapter 3, verses 17-18 read “Though the fig tree does not bud and there is no fruit on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will triumph in Yahweh; I will rejoice in the God of my salvation!” God was showing that even though the Hebrews could not see anything that would suggest their coming blessings they could bank on the fact that He was still working for their good. I know, reader, I know with all of my heart that God is working for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. He is working in our lives to show how mighty, how good, how WORTHY He is of our adoration.

 

There are many more passages that could be listed and my challenge to you is to find them in your own study time. Find passages to rest in when you fear being stuck in a chapter that you are called to live beyond. As I prepare to take my next steps I pray that God will grow me and prepare me for what lies ahead. His timing and His power are sufficient to move me to where I need to be.

In spite of this I still want you.

In spite of this I still want you.

To preface this post I want to introduce you to myself. I am a deeply broken person. Emotionally I have been crushed beyond repair time and time again. Physically I have been ravaged by severe depression. Mentally I have been crippled by anxiety disorder. Spiritually I am in a constant battle with lust and laziness. My life has been tainted by self-harm, an addiction to pornography, bitterness, and an incessant need to be right. I often joke that I am heartless – and if you saw how I have treated many people you would probably agree. I am unqualified to lead anyone and unworthy to even speak the precious name of Jesus.

This brings up the huge question of “How could God use me, let alone want me?”

Why would God call me to ministry when I’m such a dirty soul? Why would God lead me to desire a husband and children when I’m such a hot mess? Doesn’t God see how crazy that is? Doesn’t God realize that someone else could do so much better?

My question is answered in II Corinthians 4:7-10, 13-15, “Now we have this treasure in clay jars, so that this extraordinary power may be from God and not from us. We are pressured in every way but not crushed; we are perplexed but not in despair; we are persecuted but not abandoned; we are struck down but not destroyed. We always carry the death of Jesus in our body, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. And since we have the same spirit of faith in keeping with what is written, ‘I believed, therefore I spoke,’ we also believe, and therefore speak. We know that the One who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and present us with you. Indeed, everything is for your benefit, so that grace, extended through more and more people, may cause thanksgiving to increase to God’s glory.”

Treasure in jars of clay.. Have you ever seen someone hide their life’s savings in a coffee pot? That’s some crazy redneck stuff right there. We see that and laugh. It’s ridiculous to think that a coffee pot is safe enough, good enough to house a fortune. Yet this is exactly what God does with us. His infinite sense of humor – oops I mean infinite wisdom – takes joy in using the foolish things in life. I Corinthians 1:27-29 hammers this home as it reads “Instead, God has chosen what is foolish in the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen what is weak in the world to shame the strong. God has chosen what is insignificant and despised in the world—what is viewed as nothing—to bring to nothing what is viewed as something, so that no one can boast in His presence.” God probably has more than a million reasons to do what He does, specifically when it comes to using clay jars to hold His treasure, and we won’t know all of these reasons on this side of heaven. However, I’ve come to realize that if I was “good enough” that I would be boasting in myself and not in God’s transforming power. It is better for me to be a scuffed up clay jar, empty for the Master’s purposes, than to be a beautiful, porcelain Russian nesting doll (full of myself).

Pressured in every way.. God knows all that we deal with. Is the One who made ears deaf, or the One who made eyes blind? He sees each hardship that we face. He sees the damage from broken relationships. He sees that our most consistent habit is most often failure. He sees all of Satan’s taunts, meant to break us even further, and in the midst of that He still picks up our faces to look at Him. Saint Augustine is credited with the quote “In my deepest wound I saw Your glory and it astounded me.” That’s the point. Our brokenness is a magnifying glass to God’s wholeness. I can point to Him so much better from my hardships than I could if all of my ideal scenarios always came to pass.

We carry His death.. Okay y’all, Sunday School question time. If Christ’s sacrifice could be summed up in one word, what would that word be? GRACE. It’s all grace. And if I had no need for that grace, how would I lift it up as my lifeline? Jesus came for the lost (Matthew 18:11), sick (Luke 5:31; Mark 2:17), crooks/perverts/liars/thieves/abusers/scoundrels (Luke 19:10), and every other synonym you could think of for people like me (Luke 4:18-19). I carry His death in my body through my need for it. I need His death (read: grace) or else even my best efforts are complete toast. I cannot boast in anything other than the fact that Christ died and rose again in order to draw me close to Himself.

I believed, therefore I spoke.. This quote is a throwback to Psalm 116:10. Psalm 116 is a script of thanksgiving over God’s deliverance. The psalmist describes himself as crushed, close to death, troubled, inexperienced, and helpless. Yet, “I believed, even when I said, ‘I am severely afflicted’.” God’s grace was extended to him at his darkest, at his farthest. Paul now quotes this passage and continues by saying “.. We also believe, and therefore speak, knowing that the One who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus..” Flash forward to Romans 8:11, “And if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead lives in you, then He who raised Christ from the dead will also bring your mortal bodies to life through His Spirit who lives in you.” Drops mic. Cue for organ music and cartwheels to commence.

Overflow of thanksgiving.. This is it. Jesus reaches the lost, the sick, the crooks, the perverts, the liars, the thieves, the abusers, the scoundrels, the poor, the captives, the blind, and the oppressed. He does this so that even more rascals can be reached through the former’s testimonies. Grace has a special way of abounding. I am proof of that.

God uses the ugly clay jars to further His kingdom. I am so broken that all I am good for is spreading His grace – and that is more than enough. He uses me in spite of myself as a testimony to His power and unconditional love.

To end this I wanted to share a story of Jesus knowingly using someone who was entirely incapable of what Jesus called him to. This account comes from John 21:15-17. To set the scene, Jesus has just scared the crap out of everyone by coming back from the dead. He’s having breakfast with His disciples on the beach (Oh Jesus, how disgustingly romantic). Peter is feeling pretty stupid and rightfully so. A few short days before he had denied even knowing Jesus three times. I doubt he’s even up to looking Jesus in the eye. I know I wouldn’t want to look Him in those big, beautiful, disgustingly romantic eyes after that. Jesus gets down to the nitty gritty and confronts Peter with his new mission.

 

Bonus Greek lesson for you so that this story will make sense – there is more than one word for love. First, there is “agapao” – which holds the connotation of God’s unconditional love. Second, there is “phileo” – which holds the connotation of human, brotherly love.

 

Okay – transcript from breakfast on the beach.

Jesus: Peter, do you agapao Me?

Peter: Yes, Lord, You know that I phileo You

Jesus: Feed My lambs (read: Spread My truth)

*pause*

Jesus: Peter, do you agapao Me?

Peter: Yes, Lord, You know that I phileo You

Jesus: Shepherd My sheep (read: Lead My people)

*pause – Peter is real butt hurt now*

Jesus: Peter, do you phileo Me?

Peter: Yes, Lord, You know everything, You know that I phileo You

Jesus: Feed My sheep (read: Give your life to further the advance of My grace)

 

Jesus asked Peter twice if he could love Him the way that He loves Peter – knowing that he can’t. Peter answers truthfully, acknowledging the limitations of being a broken person. The best Peter can do is love Him and His people out of a flawed, human heart. Jesus asks for more than that. He asks for a holy, all-consuming, powerful love. In Peter’s case, it’s not just that he can’t give that kind of love right now. It’s not something he can work towards. It’s something that he is entirely incapable of. Jesus knows that. Jesus finally asks for Peter’s best, which is mere brotherly love, and charges him with a job that requires way more than that. Peter doesn’t know it yet but Jesus is going to fill him with His Spirit and thus provide the otherworldly love that he will need. Jesus will fill his clay jar with treasure.

Jesus does the exact same with us – accepting our brokenness with the ultimate plan of filling us with His wholeness. He uses us, wants us, and loves us in spite of ourselves. Hallelujah.

Catching a Thief

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” –Theodore Roosevelt

 

This quote has been bouncing around my head for the past two days and it’s time to unpack the WHY and HOW. Why do I so easily fall into the trap of comparing myself to others, or even comparing new experiences to old failures? And how does this affect my choices, self-image, relationships, etc?

 

First – WHY?

If you were to ask me how secure I am in myself and my opinions I would respond with a resounding “Very!” However, I constantly compare myself to others. Mental FAQs include:

 

“Wow Gracie, how would you expect to compete with HER?”

“Even if you spent more time working out your body will never look that good. Why even try?”

“She’s so smart and well put together – why can’t you be more like her?”

“You really think you’ll get a job with that lousy of a resume?”

“Who in the world would want to marry you when they could have someone like her instead?”

 The list goes on.

 

Mostly I find that comparing myself to others sets the stage for a good self-fulfilling prophecy. See, the thing about me is I hate disappointment so much that I keep my expectations wayyyyy below sea-level about everything. If I can find a way to rationalize something not working out – I’ll find it, buy into it, believe it, and wear it as a scarf. I’ll look for reasons for something not to work out in order to keep my hopes down. Usually, these reasons come in the forms of women who are prettier than me – smarter than me – funnier than me – more professional than me – more put together than me – and all around more qualified than I am. I look for competition and then still get heartbroken when I’m counted out. As someone who lives in fear of loss, justifying why I don’t deserve someone or something anyway is my most beloved (UNHEALTHY) coping mechanism.

 

Next – HOW?

How does this affect my psyche? Honestly, how would it not?! My self-image takes a beating every time I see someone more fit. My drive to work hard gets trampled on every time I see someone more qualified. Even my relationship with God loses its appeal when I see someone disciplined enough to wake up an hour early every morning to enjoy devotions along with their coffee. Ugh, how do you do that every stinkin’ day?????

 

I nurse bitterness, cultivate envy, and water resentment every time I go down this road. My heart gets torn apart by trying to live up to standards that are not meant for me. Logically I can’t see a reason to compare myself to others – and that tells me all I need to know about how ridiculous it is to keep doing that.

 

Time for some action – What will have to change to make this stop? My calling in life does not include looking like a model. I don’t need to be able to sing or dance or act or joke or laugh or cook or whatever like someone else. My calling in life is to BE LIKE JESUS.

 

Not “be like that girl”.

 

I have to change my focus, my standards, my expectations, and my inner voice. All this needs to be done through prayer, searching the scriptures, honest talks with trustworthy friends, and a lot of discipline. 

 

Focus:

 

Colossians 3:1 challenges us by saying “So if you have been raised with the Messiah, seek what is above, where the Messiah is, seated at the right hand of God.” This verse is overly quoted (in my humble opinion) but honestly, for good reason. If I call myself a little Christ then my eyes better be fixed on Him. I need to be zeroed in on His grace. So many times in scripture we see the command to not to look off to the right or the left. Keeping this in mind should remind me not to look away from Jesus, the only One who deserves whole-hearted focus.

 

Standards:

 

Leviticus 11:44 gives the impossible standard – “For I am Yahweh your God, so you must consecrate yourselves and be holy because I am holy.” Yikes. Holy – set apart? Holy – blameless? Holy – without spot or imperfection?

 

Ha ha ha. *cry cry cry*

 

My standard is not “look perfect like this other girl.” My standard has to be “BE PERFECT LIKE JESUS.” That being said (as my laughing/crying gave away) I know that I will never be perfect as long as I’m breathing this earth’s air. But thankfully… My holiness, my righteousness, my blamelessness is all already determined by Jesus. Even though my practice is far from perfect my position is set in stone. My position in Christ is that through His holiness I am holy. I am righteous . I am blameless. Because I am forgiven. 

 

Okay, Gracie, stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

 

Expectations:

 

Isaiah 43:19 kicks my scaredy cat expectations in the butt – “Look, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it? Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.” My greatest fears usually center around the lie that “This really bad thing happened before and because you don’t deserve better it will most likely happen again. Sucker.” But thank goodness, I serve a God whose specialty is NEW. Distinct. Never before seen. Fresh. Different. My God is in the business of surprises. How can I keep looking back to past failures to dictate how I think God will operate? I know beyond a shadow of doubt that He’s super into reversing the tide and blowing everyone away with unexpected (read: undeserved) grace. I have the license to pray audacious prayers. I’m called to boldly approach the throne of the Highest King. My tales of woe are only appropriate for bringing out around pity party campfires – not determining how God is going to work in the future. Knowing how incredible my God is leads me to have high expectations for the situations He’ll bring to give Himself glory. If I’m going to call to mind past events to inform me of how my future will most likely go I need to think of events like the Red Sea parting. The sun standing still over a battlefield. The seemingly most unqualified brother being chosen as King. Dry bones coming to life. Even beyond that – my dead Messiah coming back to life! History is a long narrative of Jesus kickin’ butt and takin’ names. Why in the world would I think that my life would be the exception to His goodness?

 

My inner voice:

 

Okay, here’s where it gets weird, folks! Ha. In order to keep my eyes on Jesus, stay fixed on what standard I hold myself to, and remind myself of the high expectations I signed up for, I have to preach the gospel to myself.

 

I don’t stop needing the gospel when I surrender my life to Christ. I need it every day, every hour!

 

I need to preach to myself that Christ is enough. Christ is my reward. Christ is my all I need, and thankfully all I have! My identity in Him is firm and secure. Ephesians 1:3-7 reads “Praise the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavens. For He chose us in Him, before the foundation of the world, to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love He predestined us to be adopted through Jesus Christ for Himself, according to His favor and will, to the praise of His glorious grace that He favored us with in the Beloved. We have redemption in Him through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace.” My whole position in Christ is spelled out right there. My identity is not found in looks, brains, or skills (praise Jesus). If I’m comparing myself to others based on those things then I’m way off base and out of line. 

 

To sum this all up – “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Yep. 

 

<Comparison> is holding up all of my best efforts against the image someone else works hard to make me believe is true. My uncut story versus someone else’s highlight reel. 

 

<The thief> Hmm, who else do we know who is a thief? Any guesses as to who wants us to compare ourselves to others and lose our joy? I’ll just leave this right here. 

 

<Joy> Guess what, reader? My joy is not based on the foundation of who I am. My joy is built on who Jesus is and what He has done. What He promises to do. Where He has scooped me up out of. My joy cannot disappear because nothing can tear Christ away from me.

 

Finally… 2 Timothy 2:4 states “No one serving as a soldier gets entangled in the concerns of civilian life; he seeks to please the recruiter.” In this passage Paul is drawing parallels between the life of a Christian and the life of a soldier. As soldiers of Christ we can’t get tangled up in petty, daily matters. We must seek to please Christ, our leader, first and foremost. His kingdom should consume our minds. 

 

I don’t know about you, but it’s hard to compare myself to other girls when my painfully beautiful mission is staring me down.